stupid guns

Frowns and sighs. I hate emoticons. All I can think is why?


 So senseless. We need accessible mental health care and less accessible guns. 


A four year old shot their mom in Emerson NE today because there was a loaded 38 under his parents' bed. Why the hell do you have a loaded gun in a house with a four year old? At floor level? No word on the condition of the mother. Has nothing to do with the violence of Arizona but why can't we have fewer guns or why can't people use gun locks?


 A friend of mine explained the gun lock to me. Had me practice with it. He also had me shoot it. He showed me the freezer of deer his family eats. He showed me the field of corn he plants for the deer to eat to be healthy and tasty. He explained why the vet uses a gun instead of drugs for a horse or cow that must be put down. He explained why this they don't do this with smaller animals.  His point was to make me that guns can be used sensibly and reasonably. He wanted me to know that not all guns are used for violence. That people like him use them as tools. 


I am still thinking we need less guns. Too many guns. Not enough social workers. 

kindness

Hurt is hurt no matter how it happens. Sometimes the worst hurt is from within. No one oerson's pain negates another person's pain. People are very afraid to tell me if they are in pain because I have cancer. They feel embarrassed or weird about it.  I want them to talk to me if they have a hangnail or a hangover. Everyone has a place where they need help to handle stuff large or small or whatever it might be. 


I have to hide things all the time so people don't worry about me. 


I just try not hide it from myself so I can try to work with it. I look at it this way. I grew up a bit broken and in place that didn't really help me with some of my internal issues. In addition to those issues there was some abuse and other external things that almost killed me  I got myself to a place where things got manageable and healthy for me. It took friends, family, and some professional counseling to get me to that place. When I fall apart now sometimes I use the same formula to try to work with my mental issues but now they are complicated by physical issues. It all sucks but I would be nowhere without the support, love, and encouragement of everyone I know. Some of the people I don't know well very well help me by extending me friendship or kindness. It can be a kind word, or a just helping me pick up the books I just dumped on the floor because I can't manage my cane.


I have kindness all around me. I am lucky in this way. 

hip injections

I feel crappy today. My hip aches at the injection sites. Today I had to take the day because my sites hurt like hell. My hip is stiff.

Todd the CRNA said I need to try to go back to the ortho because the inside of my hip socket look rough. I looked at the screen and I could see the difference between my right hip and my left hip. He said ‘I am no radiologist but this looks like arthritis. He was also concerned about my iliac socket. He pushed on that and it hurt. I tried not to wince. I did squeak once or twice when they were trying to figure out where the bursa is. He moved the needle and it hurt. Otherwise I was okay.

I should have gone to school. I should have worked at the radio station but I felt loopy and crappy. I wish they did these pain clinics on a different day. I am not sure how all this will work out because BF will come home soon I just pray it is not on a Tues/Thurs.

Today was Christina Taylor Green funeral. She was nine years old. She was just elected president of her class. Safe journey to her. We need to do something about making access to mental health services. We need to do something about guns. I do not know what needs to be done. Shooting seems to be a theme this week. A four year old in Emerson shot his mom this morning. 3 aught 8….loaded under bed. Why wasn’t this gun locked. The kid in Millard……took his dad’s gun. The guy in Arizona bought his gun legally the week before. He didn’t check the box that indicated he had mental health issues.

So there are some issues. Not many answers. 

10 Years Ago

1.     1.   My mom died

2.       I knew my boyfriend at the time would never marry me after he picked me up from the airport and told me in the Perkins at 111^th and Blondo in Omaha  that he would never get over the girl he met in college.  This was after I had made a trip home to say good bye to my mother who had burns over 70% of her head, neck, and chest.  He never asked me how I felt but launched into a story about the girl who got away. I was in denial about this until 2003. I am a slow learner.

3.       My best work friend ever left me to teach at a place closer to home. I knew it was best for him and his family but I lost one of my best friends ever.

4.       Another work friend decided to go into administration so we got a new person in his position who I enjoyed working with for two years.  I still miss working with my friend.

5.       One of the best boss I ever had helped me and encouraged me to travel overseas. Then he left me to go on to bigger and better things.

6.       I saw U2 twice in a year

7.       I did fun things with someone I shouldn’t have. I think we both learned from this situation and went on to do some wonderful things together and apart.

8.       I weighed 100 pounds less than I do now and I thought I was fat.

9.       I watched a plane crash into the World Trade Center at home. I went to school and saw the building drop with my class. I worried about my dad at 30 Wall Street.  Another faculty member yelled at me for worrying about my dad out loud. She was worried about her son in basic training. She thought that they would send her son into war immediately.  I was scared until my dad sent me an email.

10.   I didn’t appreciate the life that I had.

11.   I flew from Vegas to Wayne to NYC to Wayne to NYC in a period of a month because my mom had an accident.  I was in my office trying to fill out my reimbursement form from my trip. Joyce called over and told me to contact my family as soon as I could. I tried my sister, dad, and brother. No one answered. I called the hospital nearest to my mom’s house.  The nurse in the emergency department told me that all the victims from that ‘accident’ were taken to the burn unit in Bridgeport.  When she said burn unit I started to panic. After two minutes I was able to get in touch with my sister who told me that they were incubating my mom because she had third degree burns on her face, neck, and chest from having oxygen on when she was smoking. My brother had found her and was coping by drinking a forty in the hospital waiting room. He was just stunned that my mom was that burned.  My sister kept crying because she wasn’t able to speak with her because of the  intubation. I told her I would be on a plane the next morning. She told me to wait a day because they thought my mom would die.  I left within 24 hours.  My students at the time gave me a giant sloppy hug the night before I left. I stayed up most of the night grading to make sure I could get my grades in by the next week during exams.  I had no clue what the timeline would be for my mom.  I wasn’t sure what to think or do.
 My sister was not able to talk to my mom.  I wasn’t able to talk to her.  Someone stole my sister’s  PDA and purse while my mom was in the burn unit. The whole thing was difficult. It rained and rained in Nebraska.  I had to go home to do graduation.  Friends from Omaha came to graduation.  That night after everything was all said and done my mom died. Her pressure dropped and they couldn’t get her back. My boyfriend at the time was with me.  I called my boss as soon as I could. I woke him up. Told him I was almost done with my grades and I had to home. He was helpful to me as I scanned on my computer for flights. I ran home to Wayne got my funeral clothes. I spilled glitter all over my black suit before my mom’s wake.  My sister’s ex husband showed up in a different format. My brother was in shock. My dad seemed okay. We saw all of our cousins from the old days. We had a party on the deck. I think my mom would have liked it. I took the plane home. I felt okay because I had a dream that my mom was whole and well.  I ran into a deer on my way home.  There was blood and fur all over my car. At least it still worked. I think my mother’s spirit was with me cause the deer was huge.  I wish I could write about this in a smoother, sleeker style but I can only remember the thing in chunks.  I am not a writer. I know that now. 

T  Ten years is so long ago. A lifetime away. 100 pounds away. Thousands of laughs away. Millions of smiles away. I feel weird about thinking about that person. Parts of me wishes I had done things differently. Another part of me thinks I did the best I could so it's a life that was well lived. I hope I am allowed another decade.